Bullet Points – RuPaul’s Drag Race 05:10

“You better sissy that walk, soldier!”

Well, we’re nearing the home stretch and the time has come for the annual make over challenge. Usually at this point in the show, RuPaul will bring back a former contestant to wreak havoc on the remaining girls. This year she chose not to and instead had the final five be a true final five.

And right after Alyssa’s elimination, the claws get bared by everyone. Coco and Roxxxy pray that Ru sends them a sewing challenge knowing it will trip up Jinkx, while Alaska is trying to figure out some way to take Jinkx out; as the other comedy queen in the room Jinkx is a direct threat with her two wins.

The morning comes and Ru makes them go through drag boot(y) camp: In tank tops, fake boobs, and pumps, the queens must exercise till they drop, with the last queen standing the winner. Alaska wins for her stamina. Her prize is soon revealed: five current and previous soldiers enter and the queens must make them look like drag sisters and do a color corps routine. Alaska naturally picks the tall cute one for herself and sicks the rest on the others. And while the queens were on their good behavior (at least with the soldiers), the results were somewhat mixed, as Ru saw when the girls faced Michelle, Santino and guest judges Clinton Kelly (What Not to Wear) and George Kotsiopoulis (Fashion Police).

The color corps routines were hilariously bad. It was hard to tell if any of the routines were good since they cut them down to about 5 seconds total of screen time. So let’s move on and look at the transformations…

ALASKA (and Nebraska) made two big mistakes. First, she took the two that would be hardest and gave them to her biggest competitors, which is like waving a red flag in front of a bull; they’re going to get angry and fight back. Her other mistake was picking a naturally attractive person and resting on their looks and not doing anything with them. While they both looked great from the neck up, it went south once we the audience saw the poor job of padding Nebraksa’s hips. One thing I’m surprised about was that Alaska didn’t get read for the same hair style again. It’s getting repetitive and I fear that she could be going home next week if she doesn’t snap out of it. I am frankly surprised she wasn’t in the bottom two and she’s pretty lucky she wasn’t considering who was.

ROXXY (with Isabella) has been on a roll, buckling down and really working her (padded) ass off to stay in the game. She had one of the most challenging guys to work with and she made miracles happen. While I can find fault in once again defaulting to a tunic reveal into a body suit look, she did manage a fantastic transformation. And I must compliment Roxxxy on padding Isabella’s backside quite flawlessly. As much as Roxxxy gets on my nerves, she deserved the win this week and is shaping up to be in the final three.

JINKX (with Fortuna) also had a difficult soldier to work with; in addition to his age, her soldier was top heavy and had trouble walking (both side effects of his HIV treatment). To her extreme credit, Jinkx handled it with equanimity, especially when she found out her soldier knew Judy Garland (which led to one of the funniest moments in the show’s history when he mentioned to Ru that he told Judy about the sleeping pills that killed her – I mean what do you say when someone cries “I Killed Judy Garland”?). That said, their runway presentation (if Judy and Liza Minelli were starring in Gypsy) was pretty inspired playing to both of their strengths. If there was one quibble, I agreed with Clinton’s remark that Fortuna’s makeup was a bit off. Not a complete wreck like some people’s, but it’s that small difference that cost her the win.

DETOX (with Beth Adone – say it out loud to get the joke) also had a cute boy to work with, who was extremely eager to get into drag (and practically walked like he was born in heels). The look was rather polished, and felt like something in Detox’s wheelhouse, but it didn’t have any oomph to it. It didn’t help that Dextox and Beth had probably the single worst routine of the lot (as far as we could tell; that sequence was edited to death). While I would have put Alaska on the bottom instead of Detox, I can see why she was in the bottom two.

COCO (with Horchata) looked lovely on that stage. Her sister, alas, did not. The biggest sin I could find (not counting the tack, unflattering dress that looks like it was made from scraps Coco didn’t want) was that the makeup was too harsh and the contouring around the cheeks wasn’t blended. It looked like Coco took a marker to Horchata’s face. Coco is in the bottom. For the fourth time.

Before we get to the Lip Synch For Your Life, there was one moment that was hilarious on Untucked (and no, I’m not talking about Detox’s car accident). When the soldiers were predicting who would win, they totally channeled their drag sisters. Nebraska said Alaska will win since she’s so pretty, Beth said Detox due to her edginess, Fortuna lectured all of them on how Jinkx will win, while Horchata basically said “bitch.”

Back on the main stage and Detox and Coco have to lip synch to “It Takes Two” by Seduction, and I have to ask “What took them so long?” (And yes, that is Michelle Visage you see in that group.)

While Coco works the stage out, Detox delivers the song to Michelle, and ultimately is told to Shanté, while Coco sashays away (to which I will quote the departed Alyssa Edwards “Yes Gawd!”). While I wish I could find some nice words to say about Coco’s sourness during the competition, I had to laugh at her this entire episode. At least Alyssa had the good sense to realize (even if Coco didn’t) that their feud was what was keeping them in the competition for so long, and Coco should have been self-aware enough to know that the second Alyssa was gone, she would be next. Alas, Coco couldn’t see through her self-delusion to grasp that.

NEXT WEEK: The final four face a candy challenge, puppets, and Bob Mackie!!!

Originally Published on 9 April 2013 as part of “The Idiot Box,” my column for l’etoile magazine.

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