Bullet Points – RuPaul’s Drag Race 05:09

¡Ay, Dios Mio, Niños!

Welcome to this special, multi-lingual recap; which is fitting as we are entering the land of telenovelas! So get ready for big hair, bigger accents, and oversized emotions!

First up was the crying challenge, which was a fun idea in theory but fell flat in the execution, mainly because the queens (and Ru) couldn’t make up their mind if this was to be taken seriously or not. That explains the rather confusing win of Alyssa and Detox; the former was rather bland and the other opened up about her conflicted feelings about her later boyfriend. Personally, I would have given the win to Roxxxy (who was actually funny with her bearded lady shtick) and Alaska (who managed to condense the plot Tennessee Williams’s play Suddenly Last Summer into her sob story).

Then came the main challenge: in teams of two, the queens must film a telenovela complete with all the emoting that it entails. In an odd twist, RoLaskaTox is inadvertently reformed, while Alyssa has both Coco and Jinkx to contend with. Both scenes were filmed with That 70s Show star Wilmer Valderrama as costar, and frankly, both scenes sucked because he was totally phoning his performance in.

As for the two scenes, Casa de Locas was a mess with Jinkx mopping the floor with the Alyssa and Coco. Ella No Es Dama was marginally better because the other three queens worked well enough with Alaska and Roxxxy giving good performances and Detox being slightly off. None of the queens gave a truly memorable performance though in my eyes.

(Side Note: Call me crazy, but given the queens involved, this challenge would have been amazing as part of the recent All Stars competition.)

Runway Day and Ru, Santino, and Michelle were joined by actresses Maria Conchita Alonso and Jamie-Lynn Sigler. And to everyone (on the runway)’s surprise, Jinkx won for her performance and her “Helena Bonham Carter goes to a Dia De Los Muertos festival” look. I certainly hope she steels herself as everyone is out and out gunning for her. (On a lackluster Untucked episode – that couldn’t be redeemed even by a surprise video message from Season 2 standout Jessica Wild – all the queens except Detox revealed on the runway that they felt Jinkx was the biggest threat in the competition.)

Alyssa receives the full wrath of Santino for her outfit, which causes her to fire back saying that her strategy is to do her best but if she has to lip sync her way to the top then that is what she’s going to do. This caused an uproar with the other queens which was frankly hypocritical; all of them are playing to their strengths in every challenge, which is the way the game is played. In the end Alyssa was in the bottom two with Coco (who looked eerily like Dorothy Dandridge, but her only talent aside from lip synching is shit-stirring) with both queens giving an epic lip sync to Paula Abdul’s “Cold Hearted.” And it was a truly epic battle: Alyssa threw every dance move she had while Coco literally pointed at her mouth to make them watch her spit out the words. Frankly both queens deserved to stay after that vigorous of a performance.

In the end, someone had to go, and it was Alyssa was told to sashay away. I will miss her delusional cluelessness and more than slightly awkward lack of social graces. But when it comes to her and Coco’s feud, Alyssa comes off looking a hell of a lot better than Coco does.

So, who do you think will make the Final Three? I think it’s going to be Jinkx and Alaska with either Detox (if she can pull it together) or Coco (which concerns me as it looks like no one can touch her on the lip-sync).

Originally Published on 3 April 2013 as part of “The Idiot Box,” my column for l’etoile magazine.

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